The Cantabile Trilogy
by Liliumscribe
Summary: Nodame and Chiaki do usual their song and dance around one another and neither seem capable of coming face to face with the heart of the matter. A three part story formerly published on Live Journal.
1. Love is a Four Letter Word

_First published on _**Live Journal**_ 1st January 2008. This is first of three stories which I came to call The Cantabile Trilogy. I had originally written "Love is a Four Letter Word" as a one shot but one thing led to another and voila... a trilogy was born._

_Summary: Inspired partially by a reading of chapters 97-99. Does not follow the timeline of the manga.__ Will Chiaki ever utter the "L" word? Will Chiaki and Nodame be able to accept each other's differences and forge a relationship that will stand the test of time?_

_Disclaimer: The characters and themes of Nodame Cantabile are the invention of Tomoko Ninomiya._

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**Love is a Four Letter Word**

It was two minutes past midnight. He had been furiously sending text messages for the past hour but still not a word from her. The meal that he had slaved over for two hours had gone stone cold. He hated to admit it but he was worried. Why, he didn't know. He was doomed from the day he met her and had inadvertently become her unofficial keeper… It was too long ago when this crazy business began… too far along that he could not place the exact time or day… She was often more trouble than she was worth… and yet he had to admit it… any debts she had incurred, she had paid back in full. It wasn't that she gave him companionship… That he felt he could have chosen better for himself. Like a stray cat that made garbage its home, she chose him. She overstayed her welcome and became a permanent house guest. One didn't have to look very hard to see traces of her person scattered all over his apartment. It didn't seem to matter to her either that he threw everything he had in her direction. An outsider would have thought her a glutton for punishment to keep coming back for so little. Yet, like a dog with a bone, she had no intention of letting go.

What she did give him, however, was perspective… a different perspective on everything from music to the mundane things of life. His early conventionality found this quirk cloying at first but her influence on his understanding and appreciation of music was undeniable. What began as cloying became somewhat amusing and what was amusing became profound. There was something chameleonic about this _hentai_. It was as if the gods had conspired to challenge him by sending this many headed beast to his charge.

While tossing around the mixed zoological metaphors in his mind, Chiaki Shinichi could not deny that his anxiety for her was beyond the usual. She was a scatterbrain and could be expected to be late for a number of things. But she had solemnly sworn to be back on time for dinner… and where food was concerned, the reliability factor increased tenfold.

Chiaki didn't know why he cared or why he should. But after over two years, it had become something of a comedic routine with them. He had carved out for himself a role that he could no longer relinquish. That is if he wanted to. With all his posturing and shouting, there was a sneaking suspicion in his own mind that perhaps it was a role that he had gradually become accustomed to. A role that he had become comfortable with. A role he didn't mind holding on to for the rest of his life.

Of course he would never tell her this… he had never told her how he felt. It didn't seem relevant… after all everyone seemed content with the status quo.

Or was he? Shinichi didn't know himself. He had stopped denying a while ago that she was his girlfriend. He didn't remember when that happened. He told himself that it was just easier than trying to explain something that couldn't be explained. Truth be told, he himself did not know what "they" were. Little by little, he had traversed into the forest of the weird. One thing after the next had drawn him in. The music, the madness and the monomania. Did it begin with self-preservation mixed in with pity and then inadvertently turned into love?

Love? No… not love surely? What he and Nodame had was scarcely that… She was at most a habit… sometimes tolerable and occasionally pleasant… and one that he had just happen to invest much time and energy into.

Nonetheless, there was that kiss… at San Malo. Was that merely a spontaneous reaction to the music? Or was it the woman herself? He had surprised even himself. Chiaki had doubts about whether it was commonplace for anyone to be this casually intimate with a former classmate, and all too often meal companion without creating certain expectations.

It was twenty past midnight. There was still no sign of the habit. Tonight of all nights too. He'd gone to so much trouble. He was seriously contemplating calling the police when he heard the jingling of keys and the door knob turn.

His first thought as she walked through the door was to offer her a piece of his mind but then he saw her weary, hunched figure stagger in, his irritation turned to grave concern.

"What happened? Is everything alright? I tried to get you on your cell phone."

She threw her piano bag onto the coffee table and slumped into the couch. "I'm utterly exhausted and I'm starving…" To prove her point, her stomach growled on cue.

"Haven't you eaten?"

There was a brief silence before she mumbled a feeble "No, not since this morning."

"Then you should have something before you go to bed."

Her eyes were closed but she said nothing which he took to mean that she was agreeable to his suggestion.

He spent a few minutes warming up the food and then waved it under her nose. This, however, had little effect in stirring her to action. She merely inhaled the aroma but made no attempt to move her hands so he took it upon himself to feed her.

After feeling somewhat strengthened by the meal she made some attempt to speak. "I'm sorry, _senpai_… I lost track of time but I stayed back to practice after my lesson. Monsieur Auclair doesn't think I'm ready for next week's preliminaries."

"I thought that you've been practicing really hard the past week and making a lot of headway."

"I thought so too but he still doesn't think that I'm sufficiently prepared."

"Really?"

"That's what he said… It made me quite depressed… but I'm determined to prove him wrong." She paused for a moment before commenting. "The chicken is delicious… so's the curry… everything's wonderful…" She sighed. "Don't worry about me… I'll be fine. You've put in a mammoth effort, _senpai_… I just wish I had been here earlier… to spend more time…"

It was an effort on her part to talk. After muttering those words, she fell asleep on the sofa. Her hair had fanned out on the cushion like pine needles on an autumn's day. Not daring to disturb this formation, he stared at it for the longest time fascinated.

It was a guilty pleasure for him watching her sleep… watching her breathing… following the rhythms of her chest rising and falling. He felt an intense desire to touch her and permitted himself the luxury of brushing the back of his hand lightly on her cheek.

He felt the stirrings of something that had lain dormant in the recess of his heart.

_The idiot. She's been working so hard that she forgot her own birthday. She's completely worn out… if she continues like this, she's not going to make it to the first round. I'm glad that she's determined to succeed but to keep pushing herself like this… something will have to give.  
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_No, she wasn't just a habit. He couldn't point to the time and place… but she had stopped being just a habit some time ago.

***

Nodame woke groggily at the cry of the alarm clock blaring in her ear. She had no recollection of switching it on. _It must've been _senpai_… to keep me from oversleeping._

In her semi-conscious state, her eyes panned the surroundings and noticed that she was in the bedroom. _Did he carry me in here? Last thing I remember I was talking to him out there in the lounge area. Is he still here?_

Shifting inelegantly towards the edge of the bed, she blinked her eyes and tried desperately to keep them open. The clock registered the time as being ten past nine. _Sigh. At least I have about one and a half hours before I have to be at the conservatoire. _

She dragged her stubborn feet towards the shower in the hope that it would shock her body into complete consciousness. As she got up, a slip of paper fell to the floor and she quickly pounced on it to prevent it from flying further away. Chiaki had left it behind in haste as he left for rehearsals.

"The leftovers are in the fridge. Don't come back too late again. By the way… Happy Birthday."

He had left behind a present with the note… a box set of Schumann's complete piano works.

In that moment, Nodame had the notion that the sky was about to fall and that the ground was about to crack open and swallow her. _Senpai_ had remembered her birthday and she didn't even know that he knew when her birthday was. It suddenly occurred to her that he had cooked that five course meal in honour of the said event. Overwhelmed by a sudden rush of adrenalin, Nodame was now wide awake and much more ready to get on with her day.

After her shower, she began to feel the hunger pangs gnawing inside her and skipped eagerly into the kitchen. She saw a bag of croissants lying on the kitchen bench, and took a moment to savour the appetizing aroma leaking through the bag. She took one and the proceeded to raid the fridge for the leftover curry.

There were no fixed rules in the Nodame school of thought about what was appropriate food for breakfast. Food was food and most things appeared vaguely edible. It seemed to her a good idea, having both items at hand, that curry and croissant might not be a bad combination. Tearing a piece of the croissant, she dipped it enthusiastically into the curry, popped it into her mouth for masticating until the entire piece of pastry had disappeared down her gullet.

While absentmindedly chewing on the remaining morsel of her croissant, Nodame wondered how Chiaki _senpai_ really felt about her… in his heart of hearts… He seemed to be less brusque than he used to be and seemed to be a lot more gentle with her. The fact that he remembered her birthday was a good sign that she gaining some importance in his life. She so desperately wanted to succeed at the competition… to prove that she could catch up to him and find some kind of equal footing in this relationship.

Still, Nodame had an inkling deep down that she would never attain that equality… he had too much of a head start. A musical family, innate talent, a strong perfectionist streak… it was as if she a mere mortal was longing to be wooed by Apollo while trying to fend off his adoring devotees while dodging his arrows. But to her credit, Nodame was determined to attain her goal of performing with him, in spite of the obvious handicaps. There were days, however, she wondered if it was worth the effort with so little immediate gain.

It wasn't as if her motivation was flagging but lately she didn't seem to be getting much encouragement from anyone. Monsieur Auclair was pushing her hard and _senpai_… was too busy trying to rebuild the Roux Marlet orchestra. Not that she was planning to fail but she had a sneaking hope that even if she did, it wouldn't matter to _senpai_. Nevertheless, despite her apparent simplicity and naivete, Streseman's words rang constantly in her ears as a reminder to her that if she wanted to be with Chiaki, she would have to succeed with the music or the gains she had made over the past three years would collapse like a house of cards.

***

Thoughts of Nodame were never very far away from Chiaki's mind as he put up a good show of being his usual tyrannical self in front of the orchestra. He was, in truth, more worried about her than he had let on. She had thrown herself into achieving her goals and he hoped it wasn't at the expense of her health. Practising obsessively at all hours, for long hours… not having proper meals… His anxieties caused him to have visions of her looking emaciated and wasting away like a street waif in a third world country.

He had been reluctant to wake her… she was sleeping so soundly and knew that she needed it. Chiaki had stayed the night just to be sure that all was well with her and that she enjoyed a good night's rest. Much wearied himself, it wasn't long after that he succumbed and drifted off to sleep beside her.

He wondered if she had seen his note… seen the gift… Unknown to anyone, he had spent an entire afternoon looking for something appropriate and hoped she liked it. That Schumann sonata she played at the Maradona competition had stayed with him all that time… the fervour, the urgency had been so compelling that he could never think about that piece again without first thinking about her rendition. He wondered also if she knew how much he really loved her music… if she understood how much he needed to be a part of its making. The habit had become his musical anchor.

***

When Nodame tumbled wearily into the familiar piano chair, Auclair was already there waiting patiently for her. He gave her a benevolent smile and she stared back at him without seeing him there.

"Is everything alright, baby-chan?"

"Yes… why?"

"You seem rather preoccupied."

"Do I?" She asked. "I'm fine… probably just a little tired."

"Does it have anything to do with that boyfriend of yours?"

"Everything has…" She muttered. "But I don't want to talk about that right now. I have a competition to focus on."

"That you do… baby-chan… that you do."

***

Sebastiano Vieira was in town and sat in to watch Chiaki during rehearsals. He made several observations… not all of them strictly about music… but kept them to himself until both men shared news over lunch. At a time he deemed appropriate, Vieira raised a particular question that was very much at the fore of his mind.

"So Shinichi… when am I going to meet her?"

"Who?" Chiaki shot him a puzzled look.

"Your girlfriend… or partner or whatever it is young people call it these days… "

"She… I don't… How did you know?" Chiaki stammered incredulously.

"Ah… she was very much on your mind during your entire rehearsal… Funny you don't talk much about her. Must be serious." Vieira had a twinkle in his eye.

"It's complicated…" _Wonder what gave it away? I thought I was pretty focused this morning._

"Isn't it usually? But it doesn't take much to un-complicate matters." Vieira's grin widened. "Having couple problems are you?"

"Not exactly… not right now… We're not exactly a couple… exactly…"

"Oh ho… what are you then?"

"That's the problem… I don't know…"

"You must care for her though… if you're thinking about her during rehearsals…"

"I guess…" He acknowledged grudgingly. _He noticed? Did anyone else? I must be slipping. _

Vieira noticed the hesitation. "What's wrong?"

"It's just that… She's not like any girl I've ever met…" _An understatement if there ever was one._

"Special, eh?"

" 'Strange'… is more the word I was looking for…" Chiaki commented wryly. "Sloppy, obsessive and eccentric."

"Sounds fascinating… I like what I'm hearing already." Vieira responded enthusiastically.

"You might change your mind when you meet her."

"Wonderful… I'd love to… Tonight?"

"I'm not sure… she's in intensive training for a local piano competition."

"Pianist? Makes sense I suppose." Vieira studied Chiaki thoughtfully. "She has to eat some time, doesn't she?… I'm sure she can spare your old teacher an hour or two."

"Well, I could try… I can't promise anything… It all depends on whether she looks at her messages. She is a creature of peculiar habits."

"When it comes down to it… so are the rest of us…"

"Tell me, maestro… how did you know? About her…"

"Shinichi… more than once… you were smiling to yourself about something and it had nothing to do with the music."

***

_He's not back yet. Must be running late._ Nodame mused as she unlocked the door to his apartment. _Wonder who this person he wants me to meet is? Not his father, I guess. They're not on talking terms as far as I know._

Nodame strolled toward the piano and took out from her favourite piano bag, the scores that she was planning to use for the upcoming competition. _May as well practice a bit more while I wait for him to come home._

Her fingers ran up and down the keys first in a playful arpeggio followed by more complex scales increasing in speed and agility. _If only that was all I had to do for the competition._

Auclair had selected Chopin's _Etude in C Minor, Op.10 No.12_ as the first piece in the upcoming competition. The _Revolutionary Etude_ with its stormy, bombastic accompaniment was a piece entirely in keeping with her strengths and playing style. On this occasion her frustration and latent anger which had been brewing within were given an outlet through the rapid passages. Undoubtedly, her playing was showing growing maturity reflected in increased technical accuracy in timing, rhythm and yet there was a sense that she had more to give… that she had not yet arrived.

_Will I ever be good enough? Will he ever understand how deep my feelings run?_

Someone standing outside her door understood but it wasn't Chiaki. He had intended to knock and introduce himself but hesitated when he heard the rush of notes coming from the room. An older and wiser man… someone who had already negotiated the stormy vale of life and love on more than one occasion. He could hear the torrent of emotions expressed and found himself in familiar territory. _She's a child… a fiery child who's growing and struggling to become a woman. So this is Shinichi's eccentric love. However, for some reason… she doesn't feel greatly loved. The urgency… the anguish… it's heartbreaking._

He continued to stand in awe of the emotional transparency of the player… _No wonder he cares… She demands that you do… even against your own will._

He waited till the emotional assault ended before knocking on the door. He could hear the shuffling of feet and turn of the door knob.

"Yes, can I help you?" A young woman with light brown hair with no particular striking feature had come to the door.

"Ah, you must be Shinichi's friend… Miss Noda…"

"Yes…" She looked confused. "And you are…?"

"I am his old teacher, Sebastiano Vieira. I've come to visit. Can I come in?"

***

"I saw you conduct Verdi's Otello the first night we arrived in Paris. I was very moved by the entire performance. I think Shinichi was too." _First time I ever heard him burst into song afterwards._

"He was, was he? Tell me, how long have you known Shinichi?"

Nodame thought a moment. "About three years now."

"And you're in a dating relationship with him?"

Nodame was compelled to think further before answering. "I suppose you can say that although sometimes…"

"Yes…?"

"I wonder whether he takes me seriously… takes our relationship seriously."

"He's not the most demonstrative male, is he?"

Nodame shook her head. "He is with his music but with me… he's not very gentle. He shows his irritation and anger clearly enough. Sometimes I wonder if he just puts up with me because I'm there."

"It sounds like you have doubts."

"Yes and no… I know what I want but I'm not sure he does."

"You know, Nodame, you're much more practical and hard headed than I expected."

"Not about most things. But it is my goal to perform a concerto with him and I'm determined to succeed even if he's half hearted about it."

"Somehow I have a strong feeling that you will. I hope you don't mind my asking all these questions… Shinichi was my youngest and one of my favourite students… I haven't seen him for so long. I just wanted to know what kind of a man he has become."

"I don't mind. I'm glad to finally meet you. I'm just surprised that he even mentioned me to you and that _you_ would want to meet me."

"Of course… I just wanted to see for myself what manner of woman had stolen his heart."

Nodame looked at him incredulously. "Stolen his heart? Me? I doubt it. He's probably locked it up in a cage and thrown away the key."

"He was such a sweet boy… so eager to please…" Vieira reminisced wistfully.

"_Senpai_… a sweet boy?… That is hard to believe."

The Italian-born conductor laughed. "Is it?"

Nodame nodded vigorously.

Vieira sobered and remarked. "I don't think he's ever come to terms with his parents' divorce."

"He never talks about that or about his father. Did you know his father?" Nodame asked curiously.

"Mostly by reputation. I did meet him once after one of his concerts. He's an amazing pianist but his treatment of the boy was rather deplorable."

"Really? What happened?"

"Mostly, he ignored the boy… wasn't much of a husband or father."

"I wonder what would cause a man to be so hard-hearted."

"That my dear, has been the subject of numerous books, songs and films… and too gloomy a subject for a pleasant day like this."

Nodame broke into a grin. "What then would you like to talk about?"

"Now, my dear girl, what do you do for fun around here?"

***

Chiaki slammed the door of his car in haste as he made his way through the entrance and up the stairs. _Blast! I really wanted to be home earlier._ _I wonder if she's scared him off yet._ He sprinted up the stairs apprehensively and then heard the sound of raucous laughter and chatter.

As he opened the door, he found to his great surprise that his beloved teacher and sometimes habit, not-quite girlfriend both sitting on the floor watching her _Puri-Gorota_ DVDs. She had been explaining the background of the _Puri-Gorota_ universe… her take on the characters and some homespun philosophical musings about the show's dominant themes. To her initial astonishment, the conductor listened intently to what she had to say. Nodame was not used to being taken seriously and was soon engaged in vociferous discussion with the maestro about the show and other well-known cartoons. It was a while before either of them noticed the younger man staring at them all agape.

"Ah, Shinichi… you never told me that Nodame here was such a great conversationalist."

Shinchi's jaw dropped_. Nodame? A conversationalist? Are we talking about the same person here?_

"_Senpai_, you're late… and we're hungry. We talked about going to the café to get some pasta."

She looked relaxed and happy. More than she had been for weeks.

"There's no need. I can whip something up in less than half an hour." Chiaki immediately offered.

"Wonderful!" The older man exclaimed. "Nodame, now we can talk more… Have you heard of Tin Tin?"

"Gyabo! Of course I have but I've only read the comics in Japanese. I loved them as a child."

"I've got the entire series in print as well as the boxset… and bits of related memorabilia including a replica of the Unicorn which I put together myself. When you come to visit, I'll show it to you."

"I'd love that!" Nodame gave Vieira _sensei_ a gleeful hug.

Chiaki was flummoxed and left them to work his own magic in the kitchen. He had almost forgotten Vieira _sensei's_ penchant for childish things. So the teacher and sometimes girlfriend had hit it off, finding common ground between them.

It made him wonder if this was the cause of so much distance between them… that he had from the first strenuously resisted inhabiting her world. He wrestled to reconcile the woman with the music… all the apparent contradictions that were her makeup. It was as he said to Vieira _sensei_… complicated.

***

"I should go… " Vieira _sensei_ gave a polite yawn. "This old body is not what it used to be and I've taken up enough of your time, Nodame."

"I'll see you out." Chiaki offered.

"It's been fun, Vieira _sensei_." Nodame shook his hand eagerly.

"I'm sorry I won't be here long enough to attend your competition."

"Don't worry about it… I'd be too nervous otherwise."

"I hope to see you in Vienna, one day… preferably performing…"

"Oh that will be a long time yet."

"Not that long… Megumi Noda…" was his cryptic comment before walking out the door, leaving Nodame to ponder over the exact meaning of his parting words.

***

"I'll drive you back to your hotel."

"I'll be fine… besides the walk will do me some good."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not that old, Shinichi, that I can't walk a few kilometers. I can always catch a taxi if I start to tire. Go back to her, stay with her. She needs you more than I do."

"I don't know about that."

"Why do you hesitate? You have something good within your grasp and yet you are afraid."

"For good reason."

"You don't doubt her sincerity, surely?"

"No. Not her sincerity."

"Then, what?"

"It's complicated."

"You use that word a lot… as some kind of excuse not to face your heart."

"It's not an excuse." Chiaki turned to avoid his mentor's gaze.

"Shinichi… the music is nothing without anyone to share it with. Just remember that… as a piece of advice… not from your old teacher but from another man who has made his share of mistakes."

"_Sensei_…"

"Take care, Shinichi… and don't keep her waiting." The conductor put on his hat and casually ambled away while whistling the _Puri-Gorota_ theme song.

***

She was tinkering on the piano when he returned to the apartment. As he strolled toward her, she looked up and stopped whatever she was doing.

"Don't stop on my account."

"I should go, _senpai_… that pasta thing you cooked tonight was especially delicious." She got up and got her things together.

"You're leaving already?" He remarked trying to keep the disappointment he felt out of his voice.

"Yeah, I'd better put in a few more hours at the piano."

"We didn't have a proper celebration for your birthday." He protested.

"It doesn't matter… we can celebrate later when I've done well at the competition."

"You can stay here and practice. I don't mind."

"It's too distracting here. I need to get back to school. It's the best place for me right now."

_Is she brushing me off?_ "I can drive you." He reached for his keys.

"No need. You look tired _senpai_… you should rest. Without me here, you'll be able have a quiet moment to yourself."

Chiaki wrestled with his feelings. A big part of him wanted her to stay… he wanted to listen to her music… he had missed hearing it… It had been too quiet lately. But another part of him accused him of being foolish. _Isn't this what you've always wanted for her? To be independent. To be the best pianist that she can be. You'll only be holding her back._

"Maybe you're right." He assented reluctantly. "I am tired. It's been a long day. And you don't need me to add to your stress."

"Goodnight _senpai_…" She said before turning to face the door.

"Goodnight." He muttered with some effort. _Must you leave so soon?_

"Oh, and _senpai_… thank you for the birthday present. I will treasure it." With those words, she walked out the door and closed it gently behind her_. I will become someone that you can be proud of._

Chiaki felt a strange chill wash past him as he watched her walk out his door. The habit had become a mainstay in his life. One he was gradually loathe to be without.

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Author's Note:

I chose to use the expression "forest of the weird" rather than "weirdo forest" because the word "weird" contains a double entendre… The archaic meaning for "weird" has something to do with "fate" or "destiny", hence, it seemed appropriate to what I'm trying to achieve here.

**Edited: 6 April 2009**


	2. On A Clear Day I Can See You Forever

_First published on _**Live Journal**_ on 12 January 2008_

_**Disclaimer: **I do not dare claim ownership of Nodame or Chiaki or Auclair or Kuroki or The Roux Marlet Orchestra. They are the creation of Tomoko Ninomiya._

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**On a Clear Day, I Can See… You… Forever…**

"What is the matter with Chiaki? He's been worse than usual the last few days."

"He's turning into a crazed dictator."

"It isn't as bad as all that… it's obvious that he has a lot on his mind."

"Probably suffering from the lack of love by a good woman." A titter of laughter could be heard in the background. "Has he broken up with that weird girlfriend of his? Haven't seen her around much lately."

"More like she broke up with him. Don't blame her though… Any woman would have to be a saint to put up with him for any length of time."

"Haven't you heard of pheromones? Some men and women have it in spades. And it doesn't seem to matter if they have terrible personalities, they seem to be able to attract the opposite sex like bees to nectar."

"Ssshh… not so loud. Here he comes now. From the look of things, I don't think his mood's improved any." More groans emerged from the middle section.

"Great… more verbal abuse to look forward to…"

"Sssshhh…"

Members of the Roux Marlet orchestra immediately fell silent as they watched their principal conductor stride grimly onto the stage. His handsome face had a harried look. It was evident that there was something on his mind… something not so easily expunged. They braced themselves for another punishing day of rehearsal… all were fully aware that they were treading on broken glass. Even Kuroki, who was the closest thing to a friend he had in the orchestra, was deeply troubled. This was a side of Chiaki he had not seen. It caused him to wonder if indeed Chiaki and Megumi _chan_ had broken up and that was the catalyst of all Chiaki's woes.

If he would be truthful with himself, Chiaki would confess that he was out of his mind with worry. The apartment next door had been strangely silent… the last few days. She, who could be relied upon to pop into his place like clockwork for meals was no where to be seen. Regular visits to her door proved to be fruitless. He'd sent her messages via the cell phone and received cryptic, sometimes seemingly abrupt replies. He was none the wiser about her state of mind or body or heart. As a result, this made him insecure and especially hard to live with, swinging from fretfulness to fury.

_Why should I care… if she doesn't?_ He had asked himself but there had been no reply… not even from his own secret self, which seemed to have abandoned him.

His own apartment was eerily quiet… far too quiet for his liking. It seemed like eons ago that he used to crave for quiet but of late, the quiet was an assault on his senses… it made him realize how lonely he was and how much he had come to rely on her for an odd stew of companionship and security. Was it that long ago that he coveted her absence and yet now that she was he did not know what to do with himself. He cursed himself for allowing her to creep into his life surreptitiously and becoming a habit. _Where was she now?_ Most likely preying on another unsuspecting victim. She's had it far to good for far too long.

He allowed himself even the luxury of thinking that no one could take care of her better than he could. _I know all her habits… and yet… why did I foolishly let her become mine? That insidious playing of hers led me down this road. How did that become something else?_

Searching through the turmoil that had become his constant companion, he knew that he didn't have the answers and it mattered little. Right now, he only wanted to know how she was.

Later that evening, he spent the night alone with the score that they would be working on, Greig's _Peer Gynt_ suites. Staring at it blankly for hours, his thoughts often wandered over to the apartment next door. It would have been easier spending the night at the office, at least he wouldn't have been reminded of how much he was missing that habit.

***

Nodame was nibbling on a slice of half mouldy bread that she had found at the bottom of her piano bag. She was taking a short break and wondered how _senpai_ was. _Probably enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. Happy that I'm not around to harass him. _Yet she couldn't help but worry about him. _Sigh… he doesn't need me to worry about him. He's probably secretly relieved that he doesn't have to cook for me. _

The first preliminary round was to be held the next day and she hoped to see him there. It had been a tough four days physically and emotionally but it was all in aid of a good cause. _I want him to be proud of me. By hook or by crook I'm going to perform a piano concerto with him._

***

The morning light peered in through the curtains. Chiaki threw the covers off and hastily made for the bathroom. He could see that he was two hours late and would be later still, by the time he got to the competition. He had been looking forward to it the entire week, hoping that it would mean the lifting of her self-imposed isolation. _Hell, I should have turned the alarm on._

He barely had anytime to get ready. A quick brush of the front teeth, he slipped on the previous day's shirt and trousers which were still lying on the bed and then he dashed out the door without any food.

Getting into his car, he glanced briefly at his watch. _Blast… I'm going to miss her performance._ As the car engine purred, he took off like a man on a mission and drove like a maniac. At the speed he was going, it was surprising that he didn't kill himself or get pulled over for dangerous driving.

When he finally arrived at his destination, he found the lobby of the auditorium largely deserted. Luckily for him, he saw a familiar face.

"Kuroki, I'm so glad that you're still here. Where's everyone?"

"Chiaki! I'm sorry to say that they've all gone. Megumi _chan's_ spot was over an hour ago."

_Damn._ "Nodame… how did she go?"

"She did very well. All that hard work has really paid off. She'll get through." Kuroki paused for a few moments before continuing. "She waited around for about half an hour. I'm only back here because I left my oboe in the cloakroom."

"Do you know where she went?"

"She went off with Professor Auclair and his son to have lunch. Not sure where."

_If only I had been here sooner_… "Kuroki, why don't I give you a lift home?"

"That would be great. Just give me a minute."

As Kuroki walked away, Chiaki could feel the knots tightening inside stomach. _This week just keeps getting worse. I wanted so much to hear her play. I just wanted to see her…_

***

"Father, you were right… she's fantastic!"

"So… what do you think, can your orchestra use her?"

"Is that a serious question? Of course… but will she want to join us? We are just an amateur orchestra."

"She needs the practice wherever she can get it. Be careful how you go with her. She's a little fragile right now."

"Why? She should be ecstatic with that performance."

"I think her _raison d'etre_ just missed the boat."

"What _raison d'etre_?"

"Never mind… Anyway, get to know her and keep her mind on music as much as possible."

"Of course… She seems to be an intriguing creature. So transparent and intuitive in her playing."

"And in person… come on.. let me introduce you."

***

Nodame was looking rather down in the dumps when father and son approached her. She had been so sure that _senpai_ would be here to see her play. _Did he forget? Is he purposely ignoring me again for neglecting him?_

"There's someone I would like you to meet, baby _chan_."

"Professor Auclair…"

"This is my youngest son, Henri, baby _chan_. Henri, this is Miss Megumi Noda."

"Please to meet you Mr…"

"Please just call me Henri. Miss Noda, that was just scintillating stuff! I am still amazed by your performance." The younger Auclair spoke in a friendly fashion.

"Really?" Nodame blushed with pleasure, forgetting her disappointment temporarily.

"Absolutely… I think your playing is wonderfully effervescent. I could imagine each note sparkling in the sunlight." Henri Auclair praised effusively. "And you established an immediate rapport with your audience. That is an enviable quality in any musician."

"You are too kind." _What a nice man! I didn't know Master Yoda had any children._

"Just stating the facts. Miss Noda… there's something I would like to talk to you about."

"Huh?"

"Myself and a few friends have started up an orchestra… just an amateur one but we are looking around for a pianist to come in from time to time and I thought you might be interested."

"Interested?" Nodame was dumbfounded. "You are asking me to join your orchestra?"

"I am asking you…" Henri grinned. "So what do you think?"

"I don't know what to say… I…" Nodame alternated glances between Prof Auclair and Henri.

"Well, how about we talk about it over lunch… I know a nice café not far from here."

"I am hungry but…"

"And to sweeten the deal, I will take you to see the orchestra after wards… we're having rehearsals this afternoon." He smiled. "No pressure, of course."

Nodame took a minute or two to mull over it. _I don't suppose _senpai_ will show up now. Everything's over anyway. Gyabo, a chance to play with an orchestra. Henri Auclair seems like such a great person. So kind… _ "It's a deal, Henri. And I would love to meet your orchestra. I can't believe that you want me to play for you."

"This will be a great opportunity for you to work with an orchestra, baby _chan_." The father spoke up after being largely silent during the entire exchange..

"Mukya! I know… it's amazing…"

***

Chiaki knocked on the door of her flat but there was no response. So she's not home yet. If she had been there, she would have seen the deep disappointment that registered on his face. She would have known that he did care and then he was berating himself over his own tardiness. She would have also known that she was important to him… more important than he himself would ever admit to being. That he was more afraid of her drifting away than she was of him walking away from this cycle of frustration that they call a relationship.

He went back to his apartment, tired, angry and disheartened. _She's probably mad with me for missing her first round performance and is somewhere sulking. I know I'm mad with me for missing it._

All this waiting around was killing him.

***

Unlike Chiaki, Nodame was having a ball watching Henri Auclair's orchestra rehearse. It was a rather much more relaxed environment than what she was used to. The Paris Amateur Music Society was made up of a group of talented young musicians who were either students or former students who were now working in other occupations. They gave performances once a month either in the town hall or in various parks around the city. Henri Auclair himself was a highly regarded violinist and was a member of the Paris Symphony Orchestra.

That afternoon the orchestra was rehearsing _Danse Macabre_, a delightfully eerie piece by Camille Saint Saens based on an old French superstition that Death had the power to awaken his victims from their graves as he played his violin at midnight on Halloween every year. Nodame had some vague memory of, hearing it in her past but her fertile imagination conjured up images of skeletons and Casper-like ghosts prancing on their graves moving to the playful scales. She closed her eyes and reveled in the enjoyment of the orchestral arrangement… _Ah it's so good to be able to enjoy music for its own sake._

When the orchestra finished for the day, Henri took her to an early dinner and explained to her the vision he had for the orchestra and what he wanted to achieve. It was to be a place for young people to enjoy music once they left school but also to help high school children appreciate classical music. Nodame rarely came across anyone with such boyish enthusiasm that she couldn't help the comparison. _He's not that much older than senpai or I but he's so enthusiastic and passionate about everything and he's not afraid to show it. I wish _senpai_ would care about me the way Henri cares about helping people._

***

"So what do you think Miss Noda? Are you interested in our little orchestra?"

"It's not that little. And yes, I'm interested. But my friends call me Nodame."

"Alright, Nodame… does that mean a 'yes'?"

"Erm… I'm not sure yet… I'll have to think about it." _I can't wait to tell _senpai_ about this._

"Of course."

"Henri… can you tell me why you're asking me? Why me?"

"We've been on the look out for someone for a while. Father thought about you and invited me to watch your performance today. You are exactly what we're looking for… young, vivacious… and I think you have qualities that will appeal to the kids."

"Hmmm…"

"No pressure. But personally I hope you will join us."

"I'll let you know shortly. Thank you for a fascinating day. It was a nice break from all that piano practice."

"It was my pleasure." He flashed her another one of his ready smiles. "I'll be coming to watch the second round so look out for me, won't you?"

"Definitely Henri." _Gyabo!_ _Is the father Yoda and the son Luke Skywalker?_

Nodame skipped up the stairway that led to her room with a spring in her step, humming _Danse Macabre_ quietly to herself. _What a great piece. So much fun as well._ As a thought occurred to her, she quickened her pace while fumbling in her coat pocket for her key. Unlocking the door, she couldn't get inside quickly enough.

Nodame went straight for the piano and started humming _Danse Macabre_ from the top. The harp section… followed by the solo violin symbolizing Death… then the main theme. Merrily, she played the entire piece from memory with greater precision than she would've had before. _Wow, there is a lot to be said for facing up to the music. This actually sounds good… and better still, I can even tell the difference._

***

Chiaki was drifting off when he woke up with a start. The quiet that had been his companion had deserted him in an instant. _What is that piece? _Danse Macabre_? Who's playing it? Nodame?_

He sat spellbound for some moments unable to believe his ears. _Why is she playing this? It can't be a competition piece, surely. It's not Liszt or Horowitz but it's wonderful… It's almost as if an entire orchestra has camped in her apartment._

Chiaki got up and went to her door. He was about to knock when he had second thoughts. _I can't interrupt that._ He fumbled around for the door knob and turned it. _She's getting careless… leaving her door unlocked like that._

_Saint Saens on the piano… _Chiaki walked into the flat, full of wonder_. I have really missed her __playing._

Chiaki stood at the doorway watching her arms and shoulders move expressively with the music. Obviously engrossed, she did not notice him standing only a few metres away, ready to take her into his arms. _She looks jubilant, incandescent almost… is it the music?_

"Senpai, it's you… how long have you been standing there?"

"Not that long. You should be more careful, you left your door unlocked." He remarked with an inscrutable look on his face.

Oblivious to whatever expression his face held, she flew into his arms and wrapped herself round his waist. For reasons only known to himself, he did not flinch as he usually did. There was a part of him that was greatly comforted at having her back at his side. "Did I? I missed you,_ senpai_. Guess what I did this afternoon? I had the best time ever."

There was a part of him that wanted to tell her that he missed her too but another part of him felt a rising frustration that was turning into anger. _I was waiting for you all day._

"Is that why you didn't call and let me know where you were?" His voice was dripping with cold fury.

"Huh? I thought you were busy." Nodame looked at him bewildered.

"Well, I wasn't. You could've called to find out." He snapped. "I couldn't get you because you switched off your phone." He added peevishly.

"Then why didn't you attend my performance?" She was both puzzled and angry by his reaction. The wheels of her mind were churning to the possibilities.

"I… was… late. But that's not the point. By the time I got there, you had left." He was feeling a combination of sheepishness and impatience.

"Then why would you care if I called or not?" She retorted with surprising spirit. "You didn't even care enough to get to the place on time." The tone of her voice was rising. "My first piano competition in Europe and my boyfriend is a no show."

"Nodame… I…" Chiaki cowed slightly, taken aback by her retaliatory comments. It was a side of Nodame he didn't see often. Somehow he had managed to awaken a sleeping dragon.

"I don't want to talk to you, senpai… You've put me in a bad mood. I think I prefer the company of someone who makes me feel good about myself. With you I can't seem to do anything right."

"Nodame, that's not true… I've never said that." Chiaki vainly protested his innocence.

"You don't have to… Your actions speak loudly enough. Just go away…" So saying she pushed him out the door and slammed it behind her. She stood against the door and the tears soon fell freely. _You say I don't know the meaning of love but do you?_

Outside, Chiaki raised his hand to knock on her door and then pulled back. He felt the sting of her words. _With you I can't seem to do anything right._ She had said.

_Is this true? Does she really believe that about me?_

Returning to his apartment, Chiaki winced at the thought of spending another evening alone. He had been so looking forward to seeing her again. But the day had become one long disaster from beginning to end. Why couldn't he just tell her how he really felt? How important she was to him. _But she knows how I feel…_

_Or does she?_

***

The next morning, Chiaki got up as early as he could and made breakfast… a hastily prepared peace offering of scrambled eggs and toast. He went over and knocked on the door several times.

_She can't have left already, can she?_

"Nodame… it's me… If you're there… please open up… About last night… I…" His throat was feeling especially dry and his heart was racing. "I made breakfast."

Inside, Nodame pulled the covers over her head. She was not to be easily swayed by food. Her encounter with Henri Auclair had opened her eyes to other possibilities. There was something invigorating about spending time with someone so positive and so life affirming. The idea that she could use her music to help others was a novel one to her mind but it gave her a renewed excitement about music in a way nothing had done before. Thus far she had been driven to excel so that she could become competent enough to participate in a piano concerto. But to use it for altruistic purposes… was a paradigm shift for Noda Megumi.

She was on a high and the last thing she needed was for _senpai_ to put a damper on things and start her day off in a bad frame of mind.

Chiaki waited outside the door for as long as he thought reasonable before reluctantly walking away. _This competition must be more important to her than I though. She must have gone to school to practice already… without breakfast? What has she been living on these past few days?_

Chiaki's vivid imagination saw Nodame scavenging through the rubbish bins, picking through food that had been left uneaten. _Just like a stray… coming and going at will…_

As if remembering something, Chiaki dug down into his pockets to pull out his phone and quickly text in a message. **Just in case you read this… Make sure you're eating properly. I'll see you at the next round. Do your best.**

There was more Chiaki wanted to say but as usual he had his excuses… or "reasons" as he himself was wont to say, not to. He told himself that now wasn't the time… that she was working hard… that she didn't need him to distract her when her full powers of concentration were needed.

Chiaki had become so adept at making those little excuses that it became second nature to him. So much so that he found his own feelings had become strangers to his soul.

***

The second round of the piano competition saw a slightly larger crowd now that the lesser competitors were eliminated from the arena. Rumours were rife regarding several especially outstanding contenders for the title including a certain Megumi Noda, a Japanese student from the Conservatoire. Her hair, in particular, was the topic of much speculation with members of the audience wondering if she was indeed some kind of Nigel Kennedy fangirl or just too poor to own a hairbrush. However, there was no denying that once she was behind the piano she was a musical force to be reckoned with. The audience sat amused at her rendition of Debussy's _Gollywog Cakewalk_ as her hair jiggled determinedly with the music. This, she followed by Schubert's _Impromptu in E flat major_, capturing the composer's feelings of passion, angst and uncertainty with a newfound confidence. There was a hushed murmur in the audience… _This is Schubert come to life, directing her hands and fingers. A Schubert that wants to be heard._

Professor Auclair, sitting in the middle of the audience gave a knowing smile. _You're growing up… baby _chan_. You are learning some hard lessons about life. And you're finding new reasons to make music._

Chiaki shook his head in disbelief. _What manner of spell has gripped her? Her playing is obviously maturing but still so full of youthful vitality._ While sitting through her entire performance, he was a man mesmerized and even when she had finished, he couldn't stop thinking about how terrible it would be if he never heard her play again or if she never came by for dinner again. It had been the worst eight days of his life… The last two nights in particular kept him on the edge... not knowing if everything was alright between them. Had she been avoiding him? He couldn't be sure. She seemed conveniently absent every time he knocked on her door. Worse still, he kept playing her words over and over again in his mind… _With you I can't do anything right._ They had both been angry and exchanged some heated words but… did she really mean that? But more importantly, was there any truth to it?

Nonetheless, her playing seemed unaffected by the recent crisis between them. It was as if she had found a new anchor… a different anchor… one that seemingly did not involve him.

***

After a rigorous three hour wait, the second round was over. Coming out of the auditorium, Nodame looked all around her, stretching her smallish frame above the taller, Caucasian heads that impeded her view. _Where's senpai? He said he was coming._

After some jumping and slick maneouvring around the crowd that was spilling out of the exits, she espied him walking toward her from a distance. He allowed himself a smile and quickened his pace as he saw her skipping in his direction. _She seems happy enough to see me._ She waved her arms merrily and started running towards him.

"Nodame… " Her path towards Chiaki was cut off by a group of familiar faces that had been waiting to talk to her.

"Henri… Louise… Daniel… What are you all doing here?" The members of the Paris Musical Society gathered around her offering their congratulations.

"We came to see you play of course." Henri Auclair gave her a hug and kissed both her cheeks. "You were magnificent."

"Was I?"

"You had the audience eating out of your hand. That Impromptu… oh wow… I have to got to hear you play it again."

_Senpai_ was quickly forgotten, as Nodame reveled in the frank adulation. "Really? You liked it that much?" Everyone present nodded their heads vigorously.

"The way you played it reminded me of my maternal grandfather's mansion… a huge place with this incredible stairway. As kids we used to run up and down the stairs and play all kinds of games on it." A woman in the group that Nodame hadn't met before commented.

"Nodame, we have to have you in our musical society… we loved your rendition of _Gollywog Cakewalk_." The man named Daniel piped up. "The kids will love you. They'll definitely love that hair of yours." Nodame blushed slightly and tried to brush her hair down with her left hand.

"Come on, let's bribe her with a spot of lunch."

"Er… I can't, I'm meeting someone here." Nodame responded regretfully.

"Is that someone your beloved conductor of the Roux Marlet orchestra? Bring him along. We'd love to meet him." Henri said with seemingly boundless enthusiasm. "Maybe we can give him something to do as well."

"That would be great." Nodame responded buoyantly.

Some metres away, Chiaki had frozen in his tracks, mystified and wary. The euphoria that he had been feeling dissipated in an instant. _Who are all those people? And who is that man that hugged her? Is she blushing?_

Seeing her interact with the group, she looked radiant and gleeful… he couldn't remember the last time she looked this jubilant. _No wonder she was playing so well. Is it because of him?_

His mind had gone numb. _Was she really that angry with me? That she really went out and found someone else to leech on… I never thought…_

A cold sensation gripped his entire person. Chiaki turned away before his feelings betrayed him and staggered off in the opposite direction. For Chiaki Shinichi, something in his universe had been turned upside down.

***

"What's the matter, Nodame?" Henri asked concernedly as he saw her downcast face.

"I… am sure I saw _senpai_… before…"

"Maybe he's gone to the bathroom. We can wait…"

Half an hour later, there was still no sign of Chiaki. Nodame concerned for her new friends made her decision.

"We should go… I'll send him a message."

"Are you sure? We can wait."

"No… no… it's alright… We shouldn't keep everyone waiting."

"I don't think any of us mind waiting."

"Maybe I was seeing things. I often do that."

"You do?" Henri grinned widely. "You're such an interesting person, Nodame."

"You don't think I'm strange?"

"Everyone's a little strange… " Henri shrugged his shoulders. "But your strangeness is what makes you special. All the great ones had their quirks… Rimsky-Korsakov had synesthesia which probably gave him his extraordinary ability in orchestration. Schumann suffered from mental problems and tried to kill himself later. Mozart had more than a passing interest in excrement. Beethoven was completely obsessed with music and apparently never left the house."

"You are the most positive person I have ever met."

"Trust me, I wasn't always like this… but life's too short to dwell on the negatives. I learnt that the hard way. C'mon, let's go for lunch… I'm sure you're hungry."

"I'm starving."

"I know a place that prepares the most amazing Turkish cuisine."

"Turkish? Wow, I've never had that before."

"Great… and then you can tell me all about your beloved conductor."

"It's a deal."

***

"He's amazing."

"He must be… if he understands you and accepts you for who you are."

"I don't know about that…" Nodame said hesitantly. "When I say he's amazing I mean that he is a great musician."

Henri sensed something tenuous in that statement. "Is everything alright, Nodame? Between the two of you?"

"I don't know… I'm never sure with him… It's as if he's always five steps ahead of me and I'm still crawling or making baby steps. Sometimes I think he's only attracted to me because of the music."

"All relationships must begin somewhere."

"Yeah, I know but… it's been three years… sometimes I'm sure he cares and other times I feel that he just puts up with me."

"Why do you think he puts up with you?"

"I don't know… because I'm there?" _And maybe because he's afraid that I'll kill him._

"Don't you think it's because he cares?" Henri asked perceptively.

"He has a strange way of showing it."

"Each to their own."

"Henri… erm… can I ask you something?"

"Sure… what is it?"

"You seem like a nice guy… are you seeing anyone?"

"Not at the moment…"

"Why?"

"Too many memories…"

_Must've been someone special. _"What happened?"

"She… died last year… leukemia… We'd known each other since high school. The Paris Amateur Musical Society was her dream too."

"I'm so sorry… I shouldn't…"

"I don't mind talking about it. She's one of my heroes. One of the strongest people I've had the privilege of knowing. I just wish I had had more time with her. The truth is, I'm a better person because of her."

"I wish I had met her, Henri… She sounds like a great person."

"She would've liked you. In many ways, you remind me of her."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she had a unique way of looking at everything…"

***

Never in his wildest dreams did Chiaki ever imagine that Nodame would take up residence elsewhere. She had become such a fixture in his life that he had taken for granted that she'd never go elsewhere. Don't cats mate for life? He wondered to himself and then wondered in horror at the metaphor he had chosen. Mate? Us?

Chiaki was not in a logical frame of mind. Drowning his sorrows in his second bottle of Bordeaux, he was brooding over what he perceived to be her abandonment of him and yet, he had a history of keeping her at arms length. Emotionally, he was a silent wall that she was desperately trying to scale but to no avail.

_I think I prefer the company of someone who makes me feel good about myself._ She had said the other night… It was then that Chiaki finally managed to grasp the ramifications of that statement. _Does she mean to say that I make her unhappy?_

It was not something that Chiaki thought much of… he seldom asked her how she felt. He assumed that she was grateful but was gratitude all he wanted from her? She knew what she wanted… she'd told him many times. Still, she seemed content with what they had and he was content that she didn't want more from him.

Nonetheless the forest of the weird was now drifting away from him and for some unknown reason, the consequences of which was causing him to feel like a castaway, lost at sea.

***

Henri offered to walk Nodame home and on the way there, they chatted about their future plans.

"Well, Nodame… have you made up your mind? Are you going to join us?"

"I'll join on one condition, that I not only make it through the finals but win one of the top three positions. Mukya!"

"You're either very confident or you are doing everything you can to avoid joining our orchestra."

Nodame gave a little giggle and took off before Henri could say another word. She turned around and gave Henri a quick wave before opening the large iron door to her apartment block. _I can do this. I am going to make it all the way to the finals._ As she raced halfway up the stairs, she could see an inebriated figure slouched against her door.

"Chiaki senpai…" She ran up to him with grave concern and examined him carefully.

He seemed pretty far gone and his speech was slurred. She could just make out what he was saying. "Don't leave me…" He grasped hold of her arm with utmost urgency.

She leaned over and whispered tenderly in his ear. "Never…"

* * *

**Edited: 6 April 2009**


	3. What Do You Get When You Fall In Love

_**First published on Live Journal on 25 January 2008**_

_**Disclaimer:** Nodame Cantabile does not belong to me. 'Tis a pity really. The things I'd do to the characters *evil, manical laughter* if they were mine. _

_

* * *

  
_

**What Do You Get When you Fall in Love? **

**Part 1**

Chiaki woke up with the grandmother of all headaches and found himself in his own room. The previous night was a complete blur. As he tried to get up, he noticed a lily white arm spread across his person. He racked his brains furiously trying to recall what manner person he had picked up on his way home. He remembered drinking… much drinking… and lamenting but as far his memory would take him, he didn't remember having any attractive company. A horrifying thought then struck him which led to him looking under the covers. All his clothing appeared intact save for three or four unfastened shirt buttons. Then, he heard a grunt and a snort coming from the pillow beside him which immediately put him on the edge yet again.

Apprehensively, he peered over the pillow and saw a familiar face. He heaved a big sigh of relief. _It's that hentai… What's she doing here?_

She was fast asleep still… gently snoring with her face partially buried in the pillow beside him. He turned to face her and spent however long it would take to scrutinize her… every line, every curve, every strand of hair, the shape of her eyes, her nose and her lips. Her lips… in particular, held his gaze and tantalized his desires until a single drop of drool trickled down the side and onto the pillow. In the past, he would have been immediately repulsed. But there was something peculiarly comforting in the fact that this single drop of saliva meant that there was only one mad Megumi Noda and she was lying next to him like a stray that always seems to find its way home. Whatever else she was, she was _his _stray…

For now, his nighttime anguish seemed to be forgotten. He leaned over and kissed her lightly on the forehead, taking care not to wake her lest the moment be lost. The smell of her three day old hair… reeked of musty familiarity. A familiarity that he wanted to cling to for as long as he could. Her dress was badly in need of laundering… a stain on the collar, on the sleeve and goodness knows where else. The stale smell of the clothing was carefully hidden under layers of deodorant but not to his trained senses. Chiaki surmised that it would have been some days since she had done any washing. If there was a fixed point in her personality it was that she could be relied upon to be scatterbrained about her hygiene. Her room next door would be cute chaos and the grand piano would be drowning in a sea of pink and rubbish.

He was looking for a way to find his way back to her and yet it was she who found her way back to him. Long ago, he had tried to set the terms for this singular relationship but she defied anything that he was familiar with. She was evolving into something yet again and if he wanted to be part of this incredible journey that she was embarking on, he would have to learn to walk by her side on her terms. A thought that had been lingering in the recess of his mind reminded him that to keep pace with her, he would now have to be the kind of man who would embrace the woman in her entirety. There would be no room for reservations, second guessing or misgivings.

It was now nine. The alarm in her cell phone rang loudly. Closing his eyes, Chiaki groaned inwardly and sank back onto his pillow. She stirred slightly and uttered a low moan.

"Is it morning already?" She was semi-audible as she shifted against the pillow. Her hand cast about for the phone on the bedside table and then on the floor. Picking it up, she looked at it sleepily.

"Gyabo! It's time to go." She sprang up promptly into action and ruffled the disheveled mess that was her hair. Just as she got up to go, she felt a forceful hand hold her back. It startled her momentarily.

"Where are you going off to in such a hurry?" Chiaki demanded with unintended sharpness.

"_Senpai_! You're awake?" She scrutinized him carefully. "Good. I'm glad that you're alright. I was so worried last night so I stayed on to make sure everything was fine. But now I must go."

"Go? What's the hurry?" He found himself saying irritably.

"I'm getting special training for the third round. I need to practice extra hard if I am to get a place in the finals." She twittered excitedly.

"But… but… you've hardly been around the past week. Don't you think you're being obsessive about all this?" He carefully averted his eyes to hide his disappointment.

Nodame was astounded. "Doesn't senpai want Nodame to succeed?"

"Of course I do but…" He stopped short of telling her that he missed her. _Damn you, idiot. Do I have to spell it out?_ "There's only so such last minute cram sessions can do."

"_Senpai_ doesn't think Nodame can do it?" Her face fell and she looked at him sadly.

"It's not that… it's nothing like that at all." He looked at her desperately. _It's coming out all wrong. _"Can't you stay just a little longer?" Neither of them had noticed but he was still clutching onto her arm.

"I'm already a little behind schedule. I should've been in my own room practicing but senpai wasn't in a very good state of mind last night. I must've fallen asleep after that big dinner."

"What about breakfast?"

"I'm fine. I had a big lunch and a big dinner yesterday. It was Nodame's first time eating Turkish food. What a satisfying experience." She gave a contented sigh.

"Turkish food?" Chiaki gave a mystified look.

Nodame nodded. "It was delicious. And then Henri and the others took me to have dessert – gelato and crepe. And then for dinner I ate all your leftovers. So much food, senpai… boxes and boxes… who were you cooking for?"

Chiaki wasn't too much interested in talking about the quantity of food in his refrigerator at that moment. _Henri? Who's Henri? _He was about to ask that when his cell phone rang.

_Blast! Theo! What great timing!_ He thought to himself sarcastically.

"Hello…" Chiaki spoke in a decidedly unfriendly tone.

"Chiaki, I'm glad I got you."

"Theo? It's Sunday remember?" _What does he want this time?_

"I'm sorry to wake you but the fire alarm went off. Someone may have set fire to the office."

"Why did you ring me? That's got nothing to do with me. Have the firefighters arrived?" He shouted impatiently into the phone.

"Yes… but I thought that you might be concerned about…"

"Call me when you actually have something important to say to me." Chiaki cut the call short and just in time to see Nodame quietly walking out of the bedroom and toward the front door.

"Nodame… wait…" He shouted after her.

"I'll see you later tonight, senpai. " She gave him a smile.

"I'll make you dinner." He promised.

"No need. I don't know how late I'll be."

"It's okay…"

Before he could say anymore, she had already shut the door behind her. As she walked down the stairs and out through the front gate, a million thoughts raced around her mind.

Senpai_ has been acting strangely lately. It's almost as if he doesn't care about the competition. Is that why he hasn't been to see it at all?_

_I thought he wanted me to aim higher… to take my music seriously, work hard at the piano. Now that I'm so close to attaining all that, he seems so far away._

_He can't be jealous of my success, can he? I thought he would be proud of me._

Chiaki, on the other hand, collapsed back into bed gloomily, tormented by a raging headache. He was paying dearly for those three bottles of Bordeaux he drank last night. What a hellish hangover. _Why didn't I just tell her that I miss her and be done with it? Would that have made a difference?_

No one would know the answer to that question least of all Chiaki, who was lying in bed wondering why he was spending a beautiful Sunday morning all by himself cooped up in his apartment.

***

"That Scarlatti sonata is coming along nicely, baby _chan_ but you need to remember to maintain a lighter touch in the middle section. It's Scarlatti not Beethoven."

"Yes, professor." Nodame assented obediently staring blankly at the keys in front of her.

"Be careful not too lose your momentum when you make that transition."

"Yes, sir. I understand." Nodame did not shift her gaze.

"Is everything alright, baby _chan_? You seem very quiet this morning."

"I'm fine." She was quiet for a moment. "Do I have the makings of a professional pianist?"

"Are you having doubts?"

"No… no… I'm not having doubts. I just want to know." This time she looked at Auclair and he perceived a faraway look in her eyes.

"Remembered how you used to pester me constantly about participating in competitions?"

"Of course… "

"Well, this is your moment… Don't waste it."

"I won't."

"And as to whether you have the makings of a professional pianist… that's entirely up to you, _baby_ chan."

***

He had never felt so acutely at odds with her goals before. In the past he had despaired over her lack of it and then his heart soared when she decided to study abroad on her own bat. Now, that she was flying high, he felt a gnawing resentment that she was becoming out of reach. Why couldn't she stay the way she was? To be content… with what they had. _What they had?_ But what _did_ they have?

Even then he had sneaking feeling that going to Europe without her would make the experience incomplete. Now, he couldn't imagine living permanently in Europe without her. She who had been instrumental in bringing him over… she who in her all her frenetic madness had made so much possible. His childhood dream, his career. He was now basking in the glorious cradle of western classical music because of this _hentai_ who seemingly sprang from no where. Classical music had been his greatest love affair since childhood… now only superseded by his incomprehensible longing for her. Longing? The word sounded inadequate and did not encapsulate the tumult that he was in. A convenient substitute perhaps but ultimately unsatisfying to his newly awakening sensations. Chiaki had persistently avoided thinking about _that_ other word in relation to her. Substitute words seemed less complicated at the time. Like trying to squeeze blood out of stone… Chiaki was forced to face the truth of his own heart. Love. The word he had long denied her. The notion that he had strenuously fought against time and time again, had taken root somewhere in his soul. Had he finally thrown caution to the wind? Had he become struck by the same ridiculous madness that gripped her psyche? Madness or not, he did not wish to be without her.

Hence, for them music and love were destined to be inextricably linked. For some reason, she knew that from the start. She worked tooth and nail to prove to him and the world that she could be worthy of him and now, it seemed that he had to prove to her that he was worthy of her.

***

Chiaki wandered down a quiet alley off one of the main streets of Paris. The shop he was looking for took some finding… a shabby exterior hidden between an antique store and a health food store. He had spent the better part of two hours searching on the internet and came upon this website whose owner claimed to have a shop front in the centre of Paris. He rapped lightly on the front door.

"Monsieur Chiaki, is it?"

"Yes… thank you for coming in on a Sunday."

"It sounded urgent."

"It is."

"A last minute gift perhaps…"

"Actually no… it's a gift in anticipation of an event."

***

Chiaki tucked the package tightly under his right arm. Was it too little too late… He hoped not. The gift itself was nothing… he hoped she understood his intent.

If Mohammed was avoiding the mountain, then the mountain would go to Mohammed.

In the past two and a half years, Chiaki had not ventured down the hallowed corridors of the Conservatoire. Until this afternoon, he never gave it much thought. Busyness perhaps or perhaps a gesture of demarcation… that he would not encroach into her student life… a way to avoid mixing business with pleasure. Still it didn't stop her from encroaching into his and in the end, trying to keep things separate was a futile gesture. With them, the line would forever be blurred… music was their business and their pleasure.

Try as he might, he could never separate the innocuous feelings he had for her from the music that flowed from her finger tips. The two were inextricably tied to one another and would be as long as they were together. Music was the world that they both inhabited and for him to delineate would be akin to severing a part of himself.

Nevertheless, the bond that kept them together and now was threatening to tear them apart. Chiaki was at a loss. She had always been so dependent on him… and now that she was discovering her legs, he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know what part to play in her life. He had grown accustomed to being her caretaker and now, it seems, she was having to take care of him. That he had to depend on her in anyway terrified the perfectionist in him. That he needed her that much shook him to the core. That this freak of nature could find a place in his heart and set up shop there came as something of a surprise. And not an unpleasant one, as he was gradually discovering. Her strangeness held him in a way no other could. In the past few years, she had taken what little she could get from him, never asking for more. But little by little, she made in-roads and achieved what very few could… a home in his heart.

Traipsing down the corridors, he could hear the cacophony of instruments and the echo of muffled chatter. To find her in all that would be akin to finding a needle in a haystack. _I should have done __this sooner_. He was berating himself. _But I thought we needed our individual space. Was I thinking of me or her?_

Chiaki dared not speculate… he was doing enough soul searching to last him a lifetime and he did not like what he had seen… so far it had merely been the tip of the iceberg.

***

There was something about the Scarlatti that made him think of her. There would be many who argue that Scarlatti without the harpsichord is no Scarlatti at all. But her Scarlatti had almost a meek childlike quality. Earnest, respectful of the source. Playful where she needed to be but self-consciously so, with the joyful knowledge she was tinkering with a little history through her fingertips. Undoubtedly, it was Nodame playing at the height of her unashamed gleefulness.

He ran down the corridor as fast as his legs could carry him but the playful homage to the baroque master had come to an end. He peered through the door and saw her head resting on the keys in front of her. She smiling a contented smile… as if she had overcome an insurmountable foe and was now resting from her labours.

_Is this what she's been doing? Snatching a nap here and there. _

He did not have the heart to wake her, knowing how sleep deprived she must have been. He could only stand there and watch. And he stood there for a very long time.

***

"_Senpai_… what are you doing here?"

"I had some free time so I dropped in to see how you were doing." He said with affected nonchalance.

"Did you bring me some food? I'm hungry. Practising is hard work."

Chiaki rolled his eyes. _I'm sure._ "No… but I'll buy you dinner. I passed by a nice sushi place on the way here."

"Sushi? I won't say 'no' to that!" Her eyes lit up immediately.

"On the condition that you go home afterwards. This is no place to sleep."

Nodame gave a solemn salute. "Absolutely. You're a life saver, senpai. I was down to my last mouldy croissant."

He looked at her sternly. "Mouldy croissant? Anyone would think that you're living in a third world country. I'm surprised you're not sick already."

"Me… sick? From eating mouldy food? Nah…" She twittered at the thought. "I've had a lot worse."

"I can imagine…" Chiaki remarked sarcastically remembering the state of her flat when they first met.

"Enough talking… I'm starved." With that she disappeared out the door, leaving Chiaki to catch up with her.

_Not even a hello… that girl… the things I do for her._

The sushi restaurant was two blocks away from the Conservatoire. Although it was just after five in the afternoon, the dinner crowd was already beginning to trickle in. Locals, students and the odd tourist made up much of the clientele. Nodame lost no time and jumped onto an available seat, grabbing everything she could off the conveyor belt at an inhuman speed.

Chiaki was so preoccupied with watching her devour everything that he forgot to have anything himself. _Maybe I was worried for nothing. Her appetite is as voracious as ever. Her playing is __advancing at a rate much faster than I had imagined. But she does look rather pale and tired._

Eventually Nodame looked up from her feasting and realized that Chiaki had not had a single thing. "_Senpai_… aren't you eating?"

"I will… I'm not very hungry right now."

"Gabon. Not hungry… surrounded by all this delectable food…?" She looked at him in disbelief and put her hand to his forehead.

The warmth of her hand on his skin stirred up an undercurrent of feelings all over his body but Chiaki quickly took hold of himself. "Not everyone has your kind of appetite, idiot." He said brusquely. _Do I really miss her that much that even a single touch from her has that much of an effect on me now?_

"I do feel that I've been living in a third world country the past week." She said thoughtfully. "But it's all for a good cause."

"A good cause?" He looked at her quizzically.

"I'm working hard to get a place in the top three positions of the competition."

"Top three positions?"

"Yeah… Of course I'd like to win. The things I could do with that prize money… visit my family, visit Vieira _sensei_ and not have to rely on anyone. And of course, to become a member of the PAMS."

"The PAMS?" Chiaki was beginning to feel like a parrot.

"The Paris Amateur Musical Society. They've invited me to join their orchestra and I told them I'd have to be in the top three before I'd agree. Can you imagine, me… playing with an orchestra?"

"You're playing with an orchestra?" Chiaki asked numbly.

Nodame babbled on excitedly. "Henri and the others think that I'm good enough. Still, it's only an amateur group but they are very good. Professor Auclair thinks it will be a good opportunity for me."

_That Henri again… So he's a member of this orchestra… Is this why she's been so motivated lately? _

"Nodame…" He began to ask, wanting to find out how deep the association ran.

However, Chiaki did not get an opportunity to ask his question. Instead he heard Nodame slap her forehead and jump out of her seat.

"Mukya! We'd better get going… I need to work on my second piece."

Once again, Chiaki felt himself left behind and ill-used. He slipped his fingers into his back pocket to take out his wallet and saw Nodame head quickly for the exit.

***

The walk back home felt especially long. A feeling of dread accompanied them all the way, mainly from Chiaki's end. His mind was full of questions that he was afraid to ask… lest the answers were not what he wanted to hear. He was bursting with curiosity about the Paris Amateur Musical Society yet feared that his questions would be misconstrued. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't jealous and that it was ridiculous that he was even worried about anyone or anything coming between them.

Still, he couldn't help feeling that something had changed or was changing… that he was being relegated to becoming a bystander. Like someone at a train station trying frantically to board a train that was pulling away at increased speed and was soon becoming out of reach.

"Well, thank you for dinner senpai." She gave him a hug before adding. "I should get back to work. Good night." For a man starved of attention, the hug stirred up more lingering desires.

"Nodame… why… don't you… er… stay the night. I'll make breakfast in the morning and I'll drive you down to your competition tomorrow."

"It's best that I don't… I need to be completely focused… I may practice till quite late. But I'll come over for breakfast."

"I don't mind… I can sleep through anything, you know that." He leaned over, planted his lips over hers lightly at first and then deepening it, leaving her in no doubt about his intentions.

Nodame was startled but offered no resistance at first. Her eyes closed involuntarily and she was immediately transported into a universe not unlike those visited by_ Puri Gorota_. Kazuo, Liona standing in a straight line were joined by Debussy, Scarlatti, Schumann, and Ravel doing the can-can. The figure of the mongoose loomed large behind them, playing the accordion. In the background she could hear Professor Auclair's voice saying. _As for being a world class pianist, that is entirely up to you_. Then she saw Debussy, Scarlatti, Schumann and Ravel frantically waving their goodbyes… disappearing into the distance.

Reacting to what she perceived to be their abandonment, she pulled away instantly. The vision left her with a sense of foreboding.

"NO… er… no… Mukya, I'm missing the _Puri Gorota_ special… Got to go, senpai… See you at breakfast." Nodame took off hastily into her apartment and slammed the door.

Puri Gorota _special? A children's programme at ten o'clock at night?_ Chiaki felt deflated as if someone had burst his bubble. It was as if someone had slapped him across the face and ran off without any explanation.

***

Nodame took refuge behind the inch of wood that separated her and Chiaki. _Mukya! That was close. For a moment there, I almost lost sight of my goal. Is he testing my resolve? He knows how much this competition means to me, doesn't he?_

For the first time in this entire drama, Nodame felt a twinge of uncertainty. That Chiaki senpai would not be in tune with her hopes and wishes left a disturbing aftertaste in her mouth.

**Part 2**

Chiaki tossed and turned on his bed throughout much of the night, alternating between fits of rage and an indescribable anguish that was not unlike what he felt when he had to leave his beloved Europe that time when his parents' divorce was finally settled.

Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined her turning him down the way that she did. He had kept her at bay for the longest time and now that he was ready to go on to the next level she was no where to be seen. Would this be the hallmark of their relationship… an uncoordinated tango out of sync with the music that called them both together?

He was depressed… he missed her and yet he knew deep inside he had been the one holding back. The relationship had always been conducted on his terms and that gave him some degree of security. Truth be told, he had not completely given himself to her mad world. Ironically, however, it was her strangeness that insulated her from his perfectionist streak, his pervasive need to exert control over everything. All his negative tendencies fell off her like water off a duck's back.

He had committed the classic relationship blunder… he was well aware he had taken her for granted and now that she seemed to be drifting away, he could only grasp around like a drowning man wondering if he would lose her. The turbulent Schumann he could hear in the background served as a sharp reminder of how dissonant and discordant things were between them, at least from his perspective.

Consumed by insecurities and joyless ruminations, Chiaki didn't know how long it was before he drifted off into a fitful sleep.

***

She knocked on his door several times and received no reply. _Is he angry with me for not staying with him? He must hate me if he doesn't want to talk to me… but surely he must understand why I'm doing this. He's the same. When he's busy, he doesn't like me to disturb him._

She was about to reach for the key when her cell phone rang and she promptly answered.

"Hello."

"Nodame… good… I'm glad I didn't wake you. Are you home?"

"Hi Henri… oh yes…"

"Listen, the others and I were wondering if you wanted breakfast… we'll come and pick you up in the van. There's plenty of space and then we'll take you to the competition."

"Ah…" Nodame hesitated, giving the door in front of her a quick glance. "I've made other plans."

"I understand. No problems. Give us a ring if you change your mind."

"Sure. Thanks for the offer, Henri."

Nodame unlocked the door and saw Chiaki standing at the doorway looking like the harbinger of doom surrounded by dark clouds. He had overheard some of the conversation.

"Senpai… are you alright… Didn't sleep well last night?"

She was greeted by a something akin to a lion's roar but a broken lion's roar… a lion in pain. After more than three years Nodame knew that Chiaki's bark was worst than his bite.

"I guess there's no breakfast then." She met the fury in his eyes head on. Perhaps she caught glimpses of the anguish that flashed intermittently in the glare he gave her.

"What do you take me for? This place is not a restaurant!" He could barely contain his anger.

"Then why did you invite me here for breakfast?"

"I… I… didn't." He voice was brittle.

"Yes, you did… I heard you."

"You heard wrongly." Chiaki snapped in anger. "I invited you to stay the night."

"Oh so… breakfast was just a reward for staying the night." Nodame nodded calmly.

"It's not like that!"

"Isn't it? Don't worry, senpai… I understand. I understand perfectly." Nodame turned away and moved to exit. "I think it's a beautiful day outside for a stroll around town."

Chiaki stayed firmly rooted to the ground he was standing on. It was as if an outside force was keeping him from moving another step. _What the heck is happening to us? What is happening to me? She's going on another journey and I'm losing sight of her._

He wanted to tell her he was sorry for the outburst… that he was missing her… but nothing came out.

By the time he called out her name, she had already disappeared down the stairs and out the front door.

***

"Another amazing performance, Nodame. At the rate you're going, you'll be playing with the Vienna Philharmonic in no time."

Nodame giggled. "Ah Henri… you're too kind but even I know my limitations. I have a lot of room for improvement."

"I suppose you're having lunch with your beloved conductor."

"Ah… no. He and I aren't on talking terms at the moment."

Henri's face change to one of concern."Why… if it's not too nosy for me to ask… I thought he would be proud of your progress."

"Ah… it's complicated and not very interesting to talk about."

"Well, I won't pry… but if that's the case, the team and I are visiting an orphanage this afternoon. Interested to tag along?"

"I am but I should be practicing for the finals. The last two pieces are a killer."

"I look forward to hearing them at the finals…"

Her mouth spread into a mirthless smile. "If I don't die first."

"Are you sure you're alright, Nodame?" Henri looked worried.

"Definitely… don't worry about me…" Henri could see the steel in her eyes. "I am going to win this competition even if it kills me."

"You know Nodame… I get this feeling that you are not a person to cross when you want something badly enough.

"You mean like lunch…?" So saying, the growl of her stomach reverberated through the lobby.

***

The Roux-Marlet orchestra didn't know which side of Chiaki they preferred. The tyrannical, dictatorial commander or the cool, calm, collected pedagogue he was pretending to be that morning. He was eerily calm. No shouting… no yelling and not even a harsh word. They wondered who had kidnapped the real Shinichi Chiaki and taken his place on the podium. It seemed as if the weekend had performed some kind of surgical bypass in the brain of Chiaki and changed his personality. Nevertheless, the orchestra was still on the edge… mainly because underneath that serene veneer, Chiaki was a complete basket case.

He had managed to alienate the person that he cared about most in the entire world and he didn't know why. He thought he had tried everything in his power to prove his intentions. Her seeming indifference that morning was both infuriating and disturbing… it was as if someone had plunged a knife into his heart. _Didn't she care… anymore…._

With all his intellectual and musical prowess, Shinichi had quickly reached his emotional limits. _I basically offered myself on a plate and she turned me down!_ _What's wrong with that hentai? I thought that if I showed her… that she would…_

The _hentai_, however, was not as indifferent as he had thought. She was deeply hurt by what she saw at his lack of interest in her music. She was facing the music head on, making tremendous progress and yet all he wanted to do was treat her like a pet. She wanted to prove to him that she could be his musical equal… that she, Noda Megumi could stand on her own merits… achievements. Why couldn't he see that? Why couldn't he be proud of her? She didn't want to be just a decorative feature hanging off his arm.

***

"Chiaki… You didn't go to the competition. Is everything alright?" Rehearsal was over and Kuroki thought it was high time someone broach the subject with Chiaki.

Kuroki received no answer. He was worried about Chiaki… and Megumi _chan_. They were turning into strangers… ships passing one another in the night.

Chiaki's was not in the mood for any heart to heart. His head was throbbing and all he wanted was to be left alone.

"How was the third round?" He asked evasively while pretending to look busy with the scores.

"It was very good. Megumi _chan_ is into the finals. The Scarlatti and Schumann pieces she chose gave her a well-placed opportunity to demonstrate her technical and musical skills. In fact she has a very good chance of making it into the top three positions."

Chiaki looked up in undisguised astonishment. "Really?"

"I think she's capable of much better still. She will surprise everyone." Kuroki gave Chiaki an unusually hard look. "But I think the more important question for her is, will you be surprised…"

"What do you mean…"

"Will you be there for her, Chiaki… at the moment of her greatest triumph? Or will you let the moment slip away…"

"Huh…"

Kuroki thought a moment, as if he was searching for the right words. "I know Megumi _chan_… She put on a brave face in front of her friends today and there's no doubt that she's determined to win. But I know she's very disappointed that you haven't been there to give her that moral support. Something's obviously happened… I don't know what it is and it's not any of my business. But she's worked so hard and I would hate to see her… sad… when she should be proud of herself… She's come so far."

"Kuroki…" Chiaki was moved to shame by the directness and the sensitivity of the other man's words.

"Please consider what I've said. I hope for everyone's sake that it's not too late." Kuroki laid his hand on Chiaki's arm briefly before walking off the stage.

As he pondered deeply over Kuroki's words, Chiaki realized that his wretched headache had gradually dissipated.

***

He had forgotten the package which was still sitting in his overcoat. He had planned to give it to her before the finals but with one thing after the next, he hadn't done it. He wanted her to know that it didn't matter to him if she won or lost… as long as he was there to hear her play. It never mattered to him whether or not she was a roaring success but now he realized that it mattered to her. That she needed the affirmation as much outside their relationship as she did inside. He didn't know why it had taken him so long to realize this… perhaps he has been too insular… to preoccupied with his own demands, his needs to notice that the many headed beast that he had come to care for deeply was ready to make her mark.

He had no idea how to proceed… goodness knows he's never been the doting boyfriend and he had not the faintest idea how to don the part. But somehow flickering deep in the recess of his unhelpful imagination he had the idea that that wasn't what she wanted from him. He had never thought to ask her before. Now, of course, he was fearful about making any reconciliatory gesture… he had been a disruptive influence. He didn't give her the support that she needed most… now he would have to pay the price and stay away. Remembering how badly things ended the last time, Chiaki knew that any more confrontations between them just now could erupt into something catastrophic and worsen the situation. It was intolerable but he had only himself to blame… _I should be with her now. She should know that I care. I do… I always have… Damn, why does this have to be so hard?_

The perfectionist in Chiaki was nonplussed at the thought that there were no hard and fast rules in this game and yet he was expected to somehow face the music.

***

It was her big moment… her first major competition final in Europe. She should have been ecstatic and somewhat nervous. Yet, all she could feel was a dull ache sitting at the pit of her stomach. _I really wanted him to be here… I did this for us… and now as it turns out, I was just doing this for me. I thought he would finally be proud of me… that I was facing the music and aiming higher._

Nodame gritted her teeth and mastered her emotions. _All my hard work… I'm not letting it go to waste. I'm not giving Yoda any more reason to call me baby chan. I know I can do this. With or without him._

She walked out onto the stage to a wildly enthusiastic applause. _Are they cheering for me?… But I haven't played anything yet._ She was dumbfounded at the reception she was getting and yet, there they were, friends and strangers alike cheering her on.

She saw Kuroki, Henri, Tanya and some others from the PAMC waving madly in her direction. She gave them a smile and then turned to look at the keys in front of her. Before striking her first note, she stared up at the light above her for some final inspiration, saying a quiet prayer to herself.

Unknown to her, her beloved Shinichi was sitting in the back row, on the edge of his seat with anticipation.

She began with Grieg… a _Lyric Piece_ from Book 4… _Valse Impromptu_. Her fingers glided effortlessly through the keys as she transported herself into the middle of a Norwegian fjord waltzing with the flow of the water in a small fishing boat… ebbing and flowing with the waves. The audience marveled as she produced these delightful glittering sounds… sometimes playful and often vigorous.

In the next selection, she played the first movement of Ravel's _Gaspard de la nuit_, based on a poem by Aloysius Bertrand. This first movement or "Ondine" tells of a mermaid princess luring the observer to her underwater kingdom at the bottom of a lake. The piece was obviously selected on one level to demonstrate Nodame's ability to negotiate through the various technical difficulties of the piece. But more than that it showed her affinity with Ravel's prodigious use of musical onomatopoeia… to create images with musical sounds. Fairies, monsters, demons… a dark fantasy world was something Nodame could revel in with complete abandon. As she told Auclair… it wasn't so different to _Puri Gorota._

The judges were amazed that someone so young and relatively inexperienced on the competition circuit was already tackling _Gaspard de la nuit_… with such aplomb. For Chiaki, however, it was the longest six minutes of his life.

_I had no idea… I didn't know how good she had become. _He buried his head in his hands. _You hid this from me… why?_ _Damn you Nodame… I hate surprises._ He silently berated her as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek.

***

Nodame knew she had done well… that she had done her best. It didn't matter as much as she thought it would that she came in second. It was her first major competition. She lacked experience but she knew that she would do better next time and better again the time after that. Her own cheer squad gathered around her and all took turns in hugging and congratulating her. Henri reminded her of her promise and said to her in low tones.

"We think you should have won… you were the much more memorable pianist. You are the one that people are going to remember tomorrow."

Kuroki said very little but his eyes were brimming with pleasure. "Congratulations, Megumi chan, you played superbly today. You should be proud."

"He didn't come, Kuroki…" She dipped her eyes towards the floor, fighting back whatever tears were threatening to spill.

"Look over there… Megumi chan… by the entrance. He's waiting for you. You should go to him." They both turned their eyes towards the place that Kuroki was pointing to and saw Chiaki fidgeting nervously by the door.

Nodame threw her arms around Kuroki gratefully. "Thank you for your support." was all she said before running off in the opposite direction.

***

"_Senpai_… you came."

"I came." He sounded as awkward as he felt. "You played very well. Congratulations on coming in second." _You were simply breathtaking. Why didn't you tell me…_

"How did you find out about my being in the finals?"

"Kuroki…"

"I'm glad… I'm really happy that you're here. I wasn't sure if you would come."

"Of course I'd come." He seemed to be at a loss for words. "It's not every day my... er... girlfriend gets into the finals of a piano competition. Besides I haven't heard you play much lately."

"I guess not." _Did he call me his girlfriend?_

"Here." He handed her the package that had been in his keeping. "It's for you."

"A present?" She looked at him in surprise. "For me?"

Chiaki nodded limply. "I… er… thought… well…"

Nodame tore through the paper and opened the blue box. Her eyes were shining with delight. "Liona… Kazuo."

"It's… er… pewter…"

"I know. Limited edition… 100 in circulation."

"I wasn't sure if you'd like it." Chiaki blushed diffidently.

"I love it… thank you…" She looked at him gratefully.

"I don't want you to think that this is some kind of reward."

"No… of course not…" Nodame clutched the box close to her person.

"I bought this a couple of days ago. I… er… it doesn't matter to me if you win or lose…"

"I know."

"I should go." Chiaki looked away and walked out into the large garden. The feelings of disquiet had simmered. _I did what I came here to do._

Nodame, however, ran and called after him. "_Senpai_… don't leave yet. I want you to meet my friends."

The sight of her looking luminous under the moonlit sky dressed in her organza performance gown brought him to a standstill. "Nodame… I… please tell me that I haven't lost you." He blurted out.

"Lost me?" Nodame was looking rather lost herself.

"After our last meeting… things didn't end well."

"I suppose it didn't." She gave him an odd smile. "But all couples have their ups and downs."

"You seemed so distant, Nodame. Your competition and your interest in this amateur orchestra… it was as if I had no place in this other side to your life. Everything I did to reconnect seemed to make things worse. I just want to know what I can do to make things right between us."

"Make things right? Was something wrong?" Chiaki gave no answer so Nodame continued. "Even if there was, what does it matter? Nodame's love for senpai is not dependant on how much _senpai_ loves Nodame."

Chiaki felt the full weight of her simple statement and whatever guilt he felt increased a hundredfold.

"That's the problem… with us… You talk about love all the time and I don't even know the meaning of the word."

"Isn't that what part of the fun is... To find out?"

"And you're happy with that kind of uncertainty?" He look at her incredulously.

"I am happy that we're together." She beamed contentedly. "Whatever else I get, I consider it a bonus."

_All the time that we've been together, she's never really asked for much. She's amazing._

Chiaki fell within reach of her arms. "I really thought I lost you…"

"I can't believe you thought that I would ever leave you…"

"You're right… I was an utter fool." His smile was hidden in the semi-darkness that enveloped them.

The two of them enjoyed the warmth that the embrace afforded. It was as if the nightmare of the past week never happened.

"Senpai… you weren't jealous of Henri, were you? There's no reason to be, you know."

Chiaki cleared his throat and made a noise that sounded like a grunt. "Who said I was jealous?" He said gruffly. " I just didn't want anyone to take advantage of you… honestly, you're so naïve about men sometimes."

"But Henri is a good person. He really is. He even thinks I'm interesting because I'm strange."

"Hmph. Well, yeah… he can get his own _hentai_. This one is spoken for."

"By whom?" Nodame looked at him with wide-eyed with mischief.

"Hmph… as if you need to ask…"

Nodame broke away to go.

"Where are you in such a hurry to go?"

"To find out who I belong to."

"Idiot…" Chiaki dragged her back towards himself. "You are my _hentai_." He whispered huskily. "You drive me crazy and you keep me sane. You are a walking contradiction and yet I can't imagine never hearing you play again."

"Wow, senpai… you are very poetic tonight."

"In spite of what you may think, I'm not completely devoid of romance." Chiaki protested.

"Oh, I know." Nodame nestled up closer and in her most seductive tone of voice said urgently. "_Senpai_, the other night when you offered to let me stay the night… things were rather hectic but I want you to know that I'm available tonight and every other night."

"Really? Well… it was a one time offer only." He said with mock peevishness.

Nodame gave a mournful sigh and got up. "Well, a girl can't live on music alone. I'll have to go and find someone else to fulfill my womanly desires if you can't." She remarked with some degree of sorrow. "But we can still have meals together, right?" She continued brightening at the prospect.

With his outstretched arm, he pulled her back and she inadvertently fell onto his lap "Sit down, you _hentai_… I am not sharing you with anyone ever." As if to prove his assertion, he targeted her lips for all his pent up frustration over recent missteps.

After feeling like she was drowning in a white water of desire, Nodame came up for air and gasped. "Alright I believe you but this isn't enough, you know _senpai_. You'll have to do better than that." She teased.

Chiaki, however, was a picture of sobriety.

"I've been offered a guest conductorship at a major orchestra in Vienna for the next season. It was Vieira _sensei_'s doing."

"Vienna?" Nodame was confused by the strange turn of conversation.

"Capital city of Austria… an important centre of art and culture in Europe."

"I know where and what Vienna is…" She narrowed her eyes at him. "But what does this have to do with anything…"

"I… er… would like you to come with me…" Chiaki swallowed nervously.

"Really? You want me to come with you?"

Chiaki nodded slowly… beads of perspiration trickled down his face and neck. "You will have graduated by then." _Hopefully…_

"But you've never taken me on any of your trips before."

"This is different…"

"It is?"

"It will be a… er… holiday… for you… and me."

"A holiday? While you're working?" Nodame was surprisingly alert. "I'd like to see that." She commented skeptically. "The fact is, I'd probably end up sightseeing by myself half the time. And the other half the time, you'd be complaining about having to take me here and there. No thank you. I'll stay here and find some work while you go to Vienna. I'll attend opening night, of course, and pay Vieira _sensei _a visit."

Chiaki appeared to be brewing with frustration. "Idiot! It's not that kind of holiday."

"What other kind is there? I haven't heard that there's a beach in Vienna."

He said nothing for a while and then mumbled something about the moon under his breath.

"Huh? You are not making sense, _senpai_."

_Why is this so hard? Do I really want to do this? It's such a big step… spending the rest of our lives together? Can we do it… without killing each other? Can I live the rest of my life meandering through the hentai forest trying to make sense of all its idiosyncracies? _

"Is everything alright, senpai? You looked like you spaced out for a moment." She was waving her hand over her eyes.

"I'm alright… just thinking about Vienna… about what we're going to do when we get there." _But real bottom line is this…_ _Can I live the rest of my life without her?_

"What are we going to do?" She asked curiously.

Chiaki took a deep breath before beginning. "I'll show you all my favourite childhood haunts… and take you to watch performances by the Vienna Philharmonic."

"Really? Places from your past? The Vienna Philharmonic? You'll have time?"

"I'll make time especially if… if I'm on… er… my honeymoon." Somehow he managed to stammer through those words.

"Honeymoon? In Vienna?" Nodame fell into a daze. But only for a moment. Furrowing her eyebrows, she looked decidedly irritated. "So you decided that we're going to Vienna for our honeymoon. Who gave you the right to decide that alone?"

"But Nodame…" This was definitely not the response he was expecting.

"I don't know if I even want to go… now…"

Chiaki was having trouble believing what he was hearing. "Whaaat…?"

"You can go on your own, Chiaki." She said it with a decided air.

"Nodame, you don't want… to get… married?" Chiaki was still reeling from the shock of her initial response.

"I didn't say that… but no one's asked me, have they? Talking about the honeymoon before even mentioning marriage." She berated him soundly. "It sounds like you are the one who doesn't want to get married."

"How can you say that?" _Maybe she's right… maybe that's why I'm holding back. But I thought she'd be ecstatic._ "Of… course… I do…"

"You don't seem convinced." She looked at him doubtfully. "I can wait, senpai… until you are. I've waited three years, I can wait another three." She reassured him.

"No one's waiting three more years. The last ten days was barely tolerable as it was."

Nodame turned to look at Chiaki on hearing his more confident tone of voice. She witnessed the earlier nervousness transform into something more resolute.

"No more second guessing… no more wondering… no more waiting." He went on to say.

"Are you sure?"

"As sure as anyone can ever be."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means… that we're going to have fun finding out."

* * *

**Edited: 6 April 2009**


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